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I am often labeled as the anti-social. The one who doesn't initiate any conversations regardless of gender. I was told to be visible but I never knew how. And the idea of someone staring at me, its zero to none. Maybe because I never look up and I will never know who's looking.

It has been 18 years since I've been living in a closet. No one knows about this hideous identity of mine. I always enjoy witnessing a well groomed, good looking man from afar. But today, I do not like how judgmental the idealism of beauty and perfection has been set upon. It is so messed up within the LGBT community and of course, the porn industry.

And that quote "Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder" has weight a heavier negative connotation today instead of what true beauty should lies within a person is concern.

It was my regular lunch hour on a normal work day. My usual routine of getting my food before sitting in a far corner of a canteen or a food arcade. Doing my own things, minding my own business and sometimes soak in the rushing sound of gossips and complains from the tongues of both the blue and white collars.

The sudden smell of Brut came by and I stole a glance. The guy I've been admiring since day one and aspire to be due to his grooming habits. Everyone calls him "Mr Computer" because he's the friendliest among all computer guys within the organisation.

"Hey!" He was talking towards my direction with the brightest smile.

My sudden gush, awkwardness, heart palpitations, identity crisis, my struggle between whether to answer him was all too much for me to take in. So, I've decided to nod towards his direction and smile. Phew, what a relieved. I've managed to pull that off.

"You are always alone, aren't you?" His questions starts.

Again, the adrenaline rush is not forgiving to my speech ability. I can't even speak. So, I nodded again. Wait, he knows my existence of being alone? Is my social awkwardness became a faux pas? Am I being labeled again?

"Ha! You're odd. You don't talk? The name's Elliot. What's yours? I hope I can get you to speak by now." He was all charming about it. Friendly too, even though I'm weird.

Just say your name, just say your name. God, why is it so difficult?

"Russ... ?" I was really trying my best to continue my next sentence.

"I'm sorry, come again? Is Russ is your name?" He was chewing his salad as he double confirms it with me.

"Russell. My name's Russel." There. I've said it. I've finally said it. This is worst than seating for an exam!

"Now, that wasn't so hard, Russel" Still chewing while he was finishing his salad. 

"Well, I have to say, it is interesting spending this weird little time with you. Better than the norm I used to hang out with. Is it alright if I join you for lunch tomorrow? Same time same place?" He asked as he was motioning himself to my side of the table.

I nodded with a smile. Again. Why? Why me? I enjoy my space. I wanted to say no. But he seems interesting to me too. He's polite. He's tactful. He makes me really comfortable for being myself.

"Ha! I like you this way. Makes it all the more interesting to know you. See you tomorrow then, Russell." He taps me on the shoulder as a mere confirmation and walks away with a smile. That smile. He is so friendly.

************************************

He taps on my shoulder and ask, "Russ darling, are you ready?"

I nodded.

He leans on me and gave me a kiss on the lips and said. "That nod reminds me of how much you've made me fall in love with you."

I giggled with a reply, "You've made me so comfortable for being myself when I'm around you. You, Elliot, it's always you."

He hugged me and said, "We better hurry by getting into the departure waiting area. Can't wait to spend this new chapter of our lives together."

We were both taking our luggage with our flight documents as we proceed to our aircraft that printed "HAWAIIAN". It is our honeymoon trip that we've been looking forward to since we got together. We've talked about it for years and now, let both the "explorations" begins!

We hold each other's arms as we walked into the aircraft.

His smiles at me. 

I nodded. With a smile!