I was sitting on a bench in the park, drinking my water from my jogging exhaustion. Sweating away my recent 6 months break from Nolan. The mourning period was haunting me for the first 5 months and I could not stand the fact that he was still living in my head. I could not get him out of my mind. His voice, his scent, his touch and his care for me. He was so-called the perfect guy in everyone's eyes but not me. And who am I to him? I have yet to figure it out.
It was exactly 3 minutes, my phone rang. Screen shot up with this caller ID -- "Nolan My All".
Wait, am I still having an illusion that he was still calling me? Was there hope? Was there something that might change his mind for what we've agreed the past 6 months? Quickly, I picked it up and he sounded a tad bit anxious:
"Hey!" I was trying very hard to sound positively convincing while panting.
"Hey Ethan, is that you? How have you been?" He sounded well but still anxious. I recognized that tone.
"*Panting* I'm doing good. Just got a short break from a jog. *Panting* What's up?" As hard as I could clear my voice from being a little excited, I wanted so badly to sound unimpressed but still very interested.
"Look, I don't know whether have you been reading anything for the past few hours over the Internet or other press related stuff about me. I just wanted you to know that it was never my idea to mention you." He explained.
My head's alarm went off by that statement of warning from him.
"Nolan, just tell me. What is it?" My tone has changed and I needed to know.
"How shall I put this, my recent movie has LGBTQIA elements of concern. So, some of these paparazzi were not happy with my denial about my sexuality. Hence, my relationship with you. I remember we have agreed to lay low about it and now, with the recent break," Recent, he said, "But here me out, most of our pictures together were all leaked out into the Internet," he paused and continue, "that's not the worse, there are stories about you. Not a really good one." He stopped.
I didn't reply. I knew this was coming. Altogether, I remained my silence.
"I'm so sorry Ethan. Are you okay? Please say something." He was asking for an assurance.
My mind ran away with me again. These are the things we always argued. Am I the only one who always get together with his mess? Set it back to order? I'm exhausted with his lack of responsibility and ownership. What about his manager? Was his manager behind all this? But this is a little different, in a good way. He didn't seem to blame it on me, he apologizes. And so I gathered my thoughts and say,
"Nolan, it's alright. At least I know now. Just take care of yourself, alright?"
"Hey Ethan, I'm so sorry. I know thing hasn't been great lately, for both of us..."
"You know what, I have to go. Thanks of the heads up, okay? We'll catch up. I promise." I've interrupted him from further conversations about us. In fact, I do not want to listen to him anymore. So, I just hung up.
He texted.
[Nolan My All 6:37pm]: Ethan, hon, I'll give you some time to cool off, alright? I really do miss you. I'm so sorry.
[Me 6:38pm]: Ok.
Why did he has to put it that that way?
What did I just get myself into? Again.
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