I Want It Normal 01

I was sitting on a bench in the park, drinking my water from my jogging exhaustion. Sweating away my recent 6 months break from Nolan. The mourning period was haunting me for the first 5 months and I could not stand the fact that he was still living in my head. I could not get him out of my mind. His voice, his scent, his touch and his care for me. He was so-called the perfect guy in everyone's eyes but not me. And who am I to him? I have yet to figure it out.

It was exactly 3 minutes, my phone rang. Screen shot up with this caller ID -- "Nolan My All". 

Wait, am I still having an illusion that he was still calling me? Was there hope? Was there something that might change his mind for what we've agreed the past 6 months? Quickly, I picked it up and he sounded a tad bit anxious:

"Hey!" I was trying very hard to sound positively convincing while panting.

"Hey Ethan, is that you? How have you been?" He sounded well but still anxious. I recognized that tone.

"*Panting* I'm doing good. Just got a short break from a jog. *Panting* What's up?" As hard as I could clear my voice from being a little excited, I wanted so badly to sound unimpressed but still very interested.

"Look, I don't know whether have you been reading anything for the past few hours over the Internet or other press related stuff about me. I just wanted you to know that it was never my idea to mention you." He explained.

My head's alarm went off by that statement of warning from him.

"Nolan, just tell me. What is it?" My tone has changed and I needed to know.

"How shall I put this, my recent movie has LGBTQIA elements of concern. So, some of these paparazzi were not happy with my denial about my sexuality. Hence, my relationship with you. I remember we have agreed to lay low about it and now, with the recent break," Recent, he said, "But here me out, most of our pictures together were all leaked out into the Internet," he paused and continue, "that's not the worse, there are stories about you. Not a really good one." He stopped.

I didn't reply. I knew this was coming. Altogether, I remained my silence.

"I'm so sorry Ethan. Are you okay? Please say something." He was asking for an assurance.

My mind ran away with me again. These are the things we always argued. Am I the only one who always get together with his mess? Set it back to order? I'm exhausted with his lack of responsibility and ownership. What about his manager? Was his manager behind all this? But this is a little different, in a good way. He didn't seem to blame it on me, he apologizes. And so I gathered my thoughts and say,

"Nolan, it's alright. At least I know now. Just take care of yourself, alright?"

"Hey Ethan, I'm so sorry. I know thing hasn't been great lately, for both of us..." 

"You know what, I have to go. Thanks of the heads up, okay? We'll catch up. I promise." I've interrupted him from further conversations about us. In fact, I do not want to listen to him anymore. So, I just hung up.

He texted.

[Nolan My All 6:37pm]: Ethan, hon, I'll give you some time to cool off, alright? I really do miss you. I'm so sorry.

[Me 6:38pm]: Ok.

Why did he has to put it that that way? 

What did I just get myself into? Again.

Read to me 05 - Sickly Sunday

You know that feeling of being cold in the morning and was assured with a blanket covering you while you're sleeping on a bed, next to him. He wasn't snoring as he used to but he was facing me because he wasn't feeling good for the past 2 days and wanted to be nursed only by me.

His sleep was so disturbed that I have to give him all the attention with timely medication so that he would go back to sleep for a really good rest with the assurance I'm there. Occasionally, he's chatty. So, we strike up some conversational topics that we have not even discussed before.

What would rain sounds like when we are at the seaside? When birds chirping during spring, are they conversing like how love birds do? Is the sound of our cling clang cutlery during a posh fine dining dinner a rude thing to do? These were our conversations while he was still dreamy or half awake. He's funny.

We both considered ourselves very reliant on one another, so much so that we can't be seen without each other on any occasion. He will laughed it off every end of a gathering by saying to me, "We are never going to be separated isn't it? There are so many hotter guys than me in there for crying out loud. And I don't feel anything about them but only for you!"

My usual reply is, "Who talks like that, you weirdo? I am only physically attracted to them but I still prefer that emotional connection with you more than anything else. Nothing can replace that." We both eyed each other and laughed off at our cynical traits of fishing compliments from each other. We both knew it and we both enjoyed it. We will continue doing so until we are sick of it. 

He's on the verge of recovery and he seems more relax this time while he's sleeping. Literally sound asleep with his mouth open so wide, he doesn't even know he just gave himself away that he's already healing. I know he will deny it because of the attention he gets. I do have to admit that I have a very spoilt boyfriend.

I did my best to creep out of bed so that I can prepare a good meal for him before he pops in his final round of medication. As I slip off the bed as slowly as possible, he pulled me back. I turned to him and explain, "I'm going to make you breakfast before you take your meds."

"No, please stay with me." In a husky voice and continue with, "It's only 6.47am, and you know I enjoy cuddling with you in the morning. Just stay for a bit." He requested politely with his eyes close. I agreed anyway, to stay and he quickly wraps that same blanket over me and underneath that, he wraps his leg over me like a bolster.

The things you always watch on TV or read in books are always a cliché. But how he does it to me, in my ears (even though we are the only ones in the house) he still whispers to me and says, "Thank you nerd, I love you so so much."

And I asked myself, what would my reply be?

"I love you more." was my reply. We hugged and kissed a little before we got back to our lazy Sunday snooze.